A Candid Moment with Sophora: The right to choose.

Naturally, I am an outspoken and fiercely passionate person regarding things I care deeply about, Ruby’s Place and women's rights being at the top of my list. One thing I haven’t spoken about openly is my personal experience with abortion. Just saying that brings up so many feelings. Shame and guilt are probably the most substantial feelings I carry about my choice to have several abortions. Yes, I said several. 

Here is my story about my choice to have abortions and its reasons (not that I have to explain anything to anyone), but hopefully, it brings perspective and understanding. 

When I was just 17 years old, I was in a mentally, physically, and financially abusive relationship. This should be enough to understand why I choose to terminate a pregnancy, but let me explain. I was on birth control, the kind they stick in your body so that you can’t forget to take it; even though birth control makes me incredibly sick, I wanted to ensure I didn’t get pregnant (that’s a whole other post about how birth control is often dangerous for women but many, it’s our only option). 

Well, you probably guessed it, I got pregnant. I was devastated, scared, and panicked. I would be attached to this monster forever, the guy, not the baby. My boyfriend got angry, blamed me, said horrible things about how I must have done it on purpose. Then, when I talked about different ways I could terminate the pregnancy, that was “his kid” I was carrying all of a sudden. I was too ashamed to go to my mom, I was already in an abusive relationship, and she raised me better than this. My Dad, well, that was out of the question! He was a violent and abusive person; I had already heard my whole life how I wouldn’t amount to anything.

I knew if I had this child, I was on my own, and my abusive boyfriend would have control over me and our child. So I took my 17-year-old barely pregnant body into a clinic and requested an abortion. I cried the entire time; the procedure was one of the most barbaric and emotionally cold things I have ever gone through. I wasn’t allowed to speak to the doctor, the nurse couldn’t comfort me, and even if I did bring support, no one was allowed in the room. This was all just before I was shuffled out the door and back into the arms of an abusive partner. I tried desperately to forget, move on, not hate myself and plead with God to forgive me.

Fast forward ten years, I am in a beautiful relationship, married, and still not sure if I want kids; why? Because I felt like I didn’t deserve them, I have terminated a pregnancy, and therefore I should be punished for the rest of my life. Little did I know I had more punishment in my future that included abortions. 

When I turned 27 years old, my husband and I decided to have a baby, simple right? Have sex, get pregnant, have a baby, and live happily ever after. Ha! I wish. Instead, we embarked on a journey full of infertility, pregnancy, abortions, and the most emotionally hard time we have ever gone through. Now, let me start by saying my husband and I can get pregnant without medical assistance (we are fortunate that way). I can still remember each positive pregnancy test, the excitement! And then, the dread of the medical issues that would ensue, I couldn’t carry much past the first trimester. I don’t want to get too much into the fertility stuff because that’s another post. 

My first pregnancy was a set of twins! I was so excited until my doctor was very concerned at one of my first trimester ultrasounds. She didn’t say much other than asking me to get dressed and come talk to her in my office. My husband and I sat there as she explained what was happening in my body; I had an abnormal cell condition that would put me in great danger. If I didn’t abort, I would be looking at Chemo for about six months. Um, what the actual f&$k! I am pregnant, not smoking a pack of cigarettes a day; why are we speaking about Chemo? We immediately went for a second opinion while I frantically googled this condition. Yep, it’s all there in web MD; this condition is genuine. Our team of doctors later confirmed that my pregnancy came with a dangerous cell condition that would most likely kill our babies and put me on a long path of recovery. It was so severe that my doctor admitted me to the hospital for an emergency abortion. I had to choose right there in that split second, with no time to process or even understand what this all meant. Do you want the abortion and prevent what will probably be devastation and rounds of Chemo at the age of 27?! But what if they’re wrong? I also googled these cases, and of course, there were scenarios where doctors were terrible, beautiful, healthy babies were born, and moms were glad they didn’t listen. Side note, I was later banned from using google during my pregnancy journey, Lol. 

I fought, wavered, and pleaded with God, family, and doctors; please tell me this is wrong! I was undecided up until the surgeon was ready, and at that moment, I decided to have an abortion. The days followed were full of numbness, shame, guilt, and medical appointments. I still, to this day, wonder if our babies Joe and Maggie would have made it, would they be happy ten-year-olds right now? Little did I know that was not the end of my abortion choices. 

After a few more miscarriages, I was so desperate to have a baby, but I wondered if this was my punishment for choosing abortion those past few times.

I later was pregnant with a boy, Axel; I felt like this was my rainbow baby. But Axel wasn’t moving much at another dreaded ultrasound, and his heartbeat was super slow. He was fading out. My doctor and I painstakingly went over all the options, and abortion was one of those; he felt that the longer we waited, the harder it would be. I didn’t have it this time; my doctor was wrong! I waited, went into the second trimester, and Axel stopped developing; his heartbeat was barely there. I was in denial and was refusing an abortion. My doctor looked me straight and said I would get an infection and die if I continued this pregnancy. But what if he’s wrong? What if Axel is just tiny, or the ultrasound isn’t picking up his heartbeat. Again, Google to the rescue to tell me all the stories where doctors weren’t correct. I refused to let Axel go. I wouldn’t do an abortion right there in the office, so I begrudgingly took abortion pills home with me that would initiate a miscarriage.

After agonizing over the decision I choose abortion, I decided to let Axel go, and my body started the healing process. It was the most horrific experience as I lay in the bathroom bleeding through my clothes and then in the shower for the next 6 hours. As fast as it came on is as fast as it ended. A few weeks passed, and I was driving to work when I doubled over in pain; I had fluid all over my pants and was sweating bullets. I called my husband, who rushed me to the doctor. When I said I have never seen doctors move that fast, it was a blur. The first abortion didn’t work, and I was still pregnant; the tissue surrounding the pregnancy was dying off and trying to expel itself from my body. They stabilized me before bringing my husband in and explaining that I was still pregnant, but Axel had passed away. Again, that dreaded word abortion came up. Would you like to be taken in to have an abortion? Not that I had much choice because I wouldn’t have ended up in the ER had I not chosen abortion. So another abortion it was. 

Years later, I have my family, my children are healthy, and my body has recovered. Emotionally, well, that’s a different story. 

I came to terms with my decisions, all of them. I am so thankful I had choices and medical professionals to perform these procedures to ensure that I didn’t die. Abortion is never an easy choice to make, but every step of the way, I had a choice; I had agency in what would happen to me. In the darkest of times, I could say what I needed and chose for myself.

For those of you who still may be against the right to choose, I promise you it’s not an easy choice; it’s not without heartache, it comes with shame, sadness, reluctance, and guilt, and there is a whole backstory to how that girl or women got to the fork in the road in having to choose. But the most important thing we can do for girls and women is to make sure they have options. Hopefully, it’s not the heartbreak of abortion, but if it is, let’s make sure that it is available and safe.

With love and leadership,

Sophora A.